at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Who died my cat blue again?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
