he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
