I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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