you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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