he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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