unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
