I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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