how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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