so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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