I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
