you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
