textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
In America we eat man semen.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
