I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
