True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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