i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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