the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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