he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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