I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
