so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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