You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
