These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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