Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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