Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
