3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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