I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
