but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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