im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the condom got lost in my hair
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
