he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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