You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
