He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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