ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
