He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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