I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
