I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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