Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
