my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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