I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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