my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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