I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
