a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
