Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we should paint friendship bongs
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