Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
