duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
