why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
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Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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