I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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