Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
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My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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