I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
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Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??