If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.