This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.