I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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