the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
