Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
