Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
