I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
