I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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