I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
