He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
