I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
