I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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