Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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