she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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