I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
