i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
where are my eyebrows?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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