I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
