piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
